Step Parenting – The Do’s And Don’ts
Being the biological parent of a child and bringing up a child as a step parent are two very different types of challenges. Though, the role that you are supposed to play as a step parent is the same one as that of a biological parent, but the problems and obstacles in step parenting are far bigger and more frequent.
In such case it is but obvious that you find yourself extremely helpless or worried at times and then out of your worry or confusion you make mistakes which have serious impact or consequences. Any wrong decision, behavior or action from your part can make the situation and your relationship with your step children vulnerable.
It can also be that for one particular mistake of yours the relationship between you and your step children is ruined forever. Therefore, it is important to know and understand what the right thing to do is and what mistakes to avoid being a step parent. Some of the do’s and don’ts of step parenting are mentioned here which will help you to develop your relationship with your step kids and make the relationship a loving, caring and harmonious one.
Do not turn impatient and act out of it. You should not expect that the moment you enter into the lives of your step children they will accept you with open arms. Most probably they will not. Other than that, it is also very difficult for both you and the kids to get used to each other or adjust with the changes.
You have to give yourself and the children time to get used to each other, accept the changes and adjust with the new situation. Being a biological parent also requires a lot of patience even when they are there through out the time when the family and the children grow. In your case, you are just a new addition to the already existing family.
Also, understand the mental condition of the children who have just seen a divorce or death of a parent and are already in a trauma for that. They themselves are trying to cope up with the difficulties in their lives and are trying to adjust to the changes. Your entry in their lives adds up to their problems and distress. So, do not try to push them to accept you or the changes immediately. The more you try to pull them towards you, the more they will resent you and move away from you. So, be patient and give yourself and the children time.
Do not make the kids feel that you want to replace their biological parent. Do not make any attempt to replace the father or mother who has been divorced or has passed away. You will never be able to replace the divorced or lost parent in any case, even if you try your best. In the process, however, you will make your step children your best enemies for a life time.
They will hate you for it and will never accept you or respect you as a parent. Even if you do not intend to replace the other biological parent, there are lots of chances that the kids would assume your intention to be just that. So, you need to be extra cautious about your words and actions so that you never give them that feeling.
Never try to buy the kids and their affection with costly gifts. They may not always turn down the gifts but they will understand the reason behind those expensive gifts or treats and will further distance themselves from you mentally or emotionally. However, this does not mean that you are not going to give them any gift at all. Gifts can express that you really do care for them. But for that little gifts and some little gestures are sufficient.
Spend time with your step children. Try to spend time with them along with your partner, i.e., their father or mother as well as alone. This will help you to understand them and their complaints, problems and thinking. This will also help them to understand you and bond with you. While you are with them, try to listen to whatever they say with utmost attention.
Try to notice their behavior and actions. These will help you to understand even those things which they are not probably telling you in words. Sometimes, the things which kids do not speak in words are more important. The silence, anger or sadness that you find in those unspoken ways may hold the solution to your problems as a step parent.
Refrain from staying angry or bitter. Make a conscious effort to not show your anger or bitterness to the kids. Whether it be regarding the kids or their father/mother whose position you are trying to fill, do not show any negative feeling or attitude in presence of the kids.
Do not show any sort of disrespect to their parents, especially for the one who is divorced or dead. Otherwise the kids will feel more insecure and it will increase the distance between you and them. Try to get rid of all your negative feelings or else it will affect your health, the health of the children, your relationship with the kids and the environment of the house.
Never argue with your partner’s ex and the kids’ biological parent in front of the children. Even if you are right and he/she is wrong, the kids will find the entire fault to be yours and you to be a wrong person just because you argued with their parent. If you must talk or discuss with your partner’s ex, then keep the discussion to the point. Do not make any attempt of winning the argument just for the sake of it.
Try to keep the atmosphere of the home light and fun. Try to fill the home with laughter. Laughter will not only help to keep the mood and mind fresh but it will also help you to get closer to the kids faster.
